Photography by Jose Gonzales
It’s all white noise.
The love for the people I forced myself to live with continues to grow on me and the pain it comes with gradually develops as I find myself lying down, alone in an unfurnished living room. I had to mentally prepare myself for the Big Apple and what was to come as I enter the modeling world but I completely ignored the masculinity component of being a “man”. I am lost. I can not talk to these kids. I wonder every day what goes on in their heads and I just can’t seem to come up with an answer as to why I don’t fit in. I am one to provide opportunities to many but if you can’t even pass the damn pipe around without cashing it before it gets to me, then GET THE FUCK OUT. Dammit, CRY NOLAN. It’s okay. Distant yourself from those who hurt you, even if you love them.
I’ve spent 4 years helping others grow individually. It brought me happiness to see them succeed. It cured my depression. It was the loophole out of the missing confidence I couldn’t produce, alone. But once they forget about you, you fade. Today, it began. 2 weeks into my trip and I’m completely abandoned by all non-existing lovers. I find myself lying down, alone in an unfurnished room. So much on my mind but I can’t speak.
Now, I start again from rock bottom.
The underground fashion scene.
Completely hidden but so resonant, the fashion scene ran by individuals of all ages seemed to hit the valley once again with a kick ass show to end 2016. This however was not your average plastic show. It was a complete fuck you to the fake side of fashion that most valley natives experience. Reaching the capacity rate at local art venue, BAM, the show definitely made an impact on those who attended. To those who couldn’t get in or couldn’t make it, envision a world with no gender conformity and pure fashion after fashion. On December 17th, Vision de la Mode took the small town by storm.
Meet two of the most fashionable teens from the valley, Juan Martinez and Oscar Pacheco, both age 17. These two students not only deal with regular high school bull shit but also seem to be struggling to make a name for themselves in the art scene like every other artist. What sets them apart is their goal to influence other high schoolers to join their movement and continue to strive for something more outside of school. Before I graduated HS, I had the chance to meet both of these dudes and was able to mentor them enough for them to continue what others may think is not in existence;The RGV fashion scene.
To continue to do so, both Juan and Oscar selected 12 individuals to participate as models for their show. The selection was based on personality and embodiment that defined these kids as wallflowers. There were absolutely no limits as to what would happen during the show. Every single person had the chance to show off their nonconformity towards society. Consider this a backlash against millennials who follow every single new trend.
We create and destroy all things.
Define “We create and destroy all things”
J. To be honest, I didn’t completely understand what it meant at the time being but I soon understood it in a way that we can do whatever the fuck we want with the things we are given. Lets say you have the same shirt as another guy but you decide to paint it or do whatever you want to it. It’s still the same shirt but it’s YOURS. You destroyed and created something unique. People are often scared to try new things because society has “labels” for everyone! You’re a guy. It’s only appropriate to dress in t-shirts, pants ,and sneakers. FUCK THAT!! Wear whatever you want! Destroy those labels and create yourself.
O. “We create and destroy all things” is something I derived from a french film (Irreversiblé) which red “time destroys all things” and it stuck to me. I thought to myself, time is not the only thing that destroys. We as humans create every single thing and with the same ease we destroy them. Not only tangible things but feelings and in this case, trends. We are destroying past trends and creating something new, raw and different.
Photography by Ojos Oscuros
I have caught myself over the past few months avoiding my blog and attempting to withdraw from all social media but there appears to be something that keeps me from completely letting go. I have the ability to parade my life online so that people have a better understanding of what the actual hell goes on in my head but do I really find comfort in talking to whomever is reading this and social media? The answer is yes. I genuinely enjoy writing to my subscribers and friends every now and then to give a casual update on my life. I have admitted in the past that I have horrible social skills when it comes to texting and talking but I would rather much write on here with no judgement and accept what is to come later on.
It is 4:30am and the sun has yet to rise up. This is possibly the worst feeling ever. Getting zero to none sleep and then witnessing the next day slowly emerging by the sound of cars on the expressway gradually growing and the light of the sun getting brighter. Life can be beautiful at times but when you dread moments like this, you feel just a tad queasy. This is an exact replica of my life at the moment. Take it how you want. I sound a bit depressed but the honest truth is, finals are over and I now have the chance to enjoy myself with no worries.
School is probably the number one reason as to why I have not found time to write on here and yes, I am also lazy but HEY! I finally feel like a kid again. I enjoyed myself for the first time in ages the other day with my boyfriend and felt young. I should not have to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders at age 19. Instead, I let the weight go ( temporarily until the next semester starts ) and I sure feel amazing again.
“Sometimes you’re better off dead
There’s a gun in your hand
It’s pointing at your head.
You think you’re mad, too unstable
Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables
In a restaurant in a West end town
Call the police there’s a mad man around”
Pet Shop Boys – West End Girls, 1984
Photos by Ojos Oscuros
Ignored, Avoided, Neglected
It’s a little too early to be asking ” Where Are They Now” when you think of my name but lets just say things have been conventional. Aside from the material world I live in, I have found myself constantly failing, falling and hitting rock bottom once again. THE STRESS IS REAL. I’ve always been the type of person to ignore small problems and deal with them later but today is the day I broke down. From 10 pages of homework to a $400 speeding ticket, today just simply sucked.
Reminded not to #crackunderpressure by Cara Delevingne’s huge fucking face on a billboard kept me from sobbing in my car, alone. Its was a strange phenomenon that I just so happened to pass that sign today after karma struck me straight in the ass but does advertisement like that really work?
It just did.
I’m at the point where signs like that are taken to heart. I hate to break it to you but I AM NOT PERFECT. I crack under pressure and that’s okay! CRY CRY CRY. Let it all out. Let me know what your ways of coping with stress are. Seriously! I can use the advice. Email me. NOLANSPOST@GMAIL.COM Get to know me. I need to learn to accept the lifestyle I choose to live, even though it’s not all sunshine and roses. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE FASHION but sometimes fashion doesn’t like me.