Photography by Jose Gonzales
It’s all white noise.
The love for the people I forced myself to live with continues to grow on me and the pain it comes with gradually develops as I find myself lying down, alone in an unfurnished living room. I had to mentally prepare myself for the Big Apple and what was to come as I enter the modeling world but I completely ignored the masculinity component of being a “man”. I am lost. I can not talk to these kids. I wonder every day what goes on in their heads and I just can’t seem to come up with an answer as to why I don’t fit in. I am one to provide opportunities to many but if you can’t even pass the damn pipe around without cashing it before it gets to me, then GET THE FUCK OUT. Dammit, CRY NOLAN. It’s okay. Distant yourself from those who hurt you, even if you love them.
I’ve spent 4 years helping others grow individually. It brought me happiness to see them succeed. It cured my depression. It was the loophole out of the missing confidence I couldn’t produce, alone. But once they forget about you, you fade. Today, it began. 2 weeks into my trip and I’m completely abandoned by all non-existing lovers. I find myself lying down, alone in an unfurnished room. So much on my mind but I can’t speak.
Now, I start again from rock bottom.