Why does my mind keep repeating the same thoughts over and over again? I am tired of having to switch on and off with a “healthy” lifestyle. Bitch no one said I had to go on a diet before fashion week. I did it to lose weight so people would think I’m more androgynous.
Did it work?
All I know is that someone was skinnier than me and it made me feel 10x’s worse.
Every time I see someone from the online world I always brag about how horrible the industry is. It’s a relatable topic. It always ends with “the industry isn’t for everyone” like I already didn’t know that. I willingly signed up for this even though my mind isn’t well. I still struggle with body issues and am slowly getting rid of my depression but honey, I’ve come a long way and making it this far takes a lot of bravery.
Before castings began, I was sexually harassed while working on set with a photographer. I like to keep my personal life on the DL but this was something that really fucked me up. A week later, I was given the right platform to expose everything wrong with the industry. A chance to really throw some names around but I’m scared. I can’t even come up with the words to say. I guess you can say this is my cry for help. Don’t think about it too much though. I really am okay.
Look at me. I’m making it. I’m getting paid to model but still, no one cares enough to ask about the fall. This blog isn’t to brag about any of my accomplishments, it’s about the problems I face in the industry. It’s my way of letting people know that it’s not all that. Ask me about it.
I’ll tell you everything.
Photography by Gerardo Vizmanos
You were given the responsibility of an adult the second you turned 13. The hastiness in your body sparked a much bigger curiosity towards fashion then it did sex. I’m sure you imagined it to be a fabulous life filled with adventures but you still find yourself lost in the world of sexual pleasure. It’s easy to tell love from intimidation but the aggressive pressure put on you by someone other than your lover is just sickening. You feel like a fraud. Not only to yourself but to your family.
Learn from this tragedy. Know how to prevent this.
It will never be appropriate for someone that doesn’t know you to fuck around with you. Who the hell do you even run to in this situation? Your boyfriend? Your mom? The police? None. The thought of coming up with different explanations worry you and you’re forced to stay quiet. Just don’t lose touch. You’re living in a world of exploitation. Are you just as corrupt? You have all this information to reveal but no one to reveal it to. It’s universal. They keep their mouth shut to avoid humiliation and you do it to protect your career.
Get over yourself already.
Dear absent models,
I see you holding your head high. A little too high if you ask me. I feel you ignoring my presence. It’s not like you ever paid attention to me before. Hell, you didn’t even accept my friend request on Facebook. Must be too big for me, right? Not big enough… What ran through your head when you first read my fan mail? Did you ever think I’d get to your level of performance? We’re walking the same shows now. We’re getting the same treatment. What makes you any different from me now? Do you know how long it took me to get here? Do you know what the fuck I went through? NO, you don’t. But it’s alright because I don’t know your story either. But here’s the difference… I was willing to share mine. I was willing to open up to someone I had never met before because I felt that connection already. That feeling of despair once entering the fashion industry. I no longer care to share my secrets with you. I thought maybe the fucked up side of fashion wasn’t real but you gave me every reason to believe that models can be cruel. Humans, in general, too. If I ever get to that side, push me the fuck out. I never want to reach that level of ignorance. Is it wrong if I welcome myself to this world? Am I allowed to pat myself on the back? This isn’t my way of bragging. This is my way of letting others know that I am here and ready to take on whatever comes my way.
Photography by Hadar Pitchon
Why can’t I speak to boys? Why can’t I speak to men? I’m one of them. Aren’t I? I drifted away from everyone during fashion week. I did all I could to stay away from the scene. It just didn’t feel right. What was it? What was wrong with me.
I’ve forgotten how to talk to people.
I spent 90% of my career networking through Instagram and now I’m stuck. I can’t fucking talk to people. I did it all in one week. Lived all my dreams and now I’m back to dreaming. I crave more. I want more for me but I am forgotten. My 15 minutes of fame are history and I haven’t made history since. My existence is deleted. My career had finally taken off and I got scared. I was afraid of failure. I played the game so well. I Had the perfect brand. NolanRobert Navarro. Now it’s all gone. You think people would wonder where you went but honestly, no one gives a fuck. Once you’re out of the scene, everyone else levels up. You’re no longer competition. Not having a following is equivalent to not having a career. Who made these rules? FU fashion. You took the kid in me and twisted it. Fashion was my way out of high school. I was bullied into a realm of queer curiosity. Fashion was my way to express it but once you get harassed, once you get touched… it’s all gone. Keep your mouth shut.
Keep your mouth shut. You don’t want to get blacklisted. Just smile and keep the truth hidden in the back of your mind. Walk with poise and hope you look good. Information about yourself is posted at the rate you live your life. You get off the runway and BAM, you’re on Vogue. Instant gratification. Everyone’s going to be proud of me. Nobody has to know I’m suffering… JUST LOOK at how tired I am. Has nobody noticed? This is my payment. I’m welcomed home to a spread in a local magazine. Everyone knows who I am. Everyone knows I’ve made it but nobody cared to ask me about the downfall. This is the downfall. I had fame but it’s all gone. Until next time. Next season. Flying back to Texas meant nothing to me. In order for me to strive, I need to create and I can’t do that here. I lived all my little Texas dreams.