What if I told you everything about me? If I was completely honest with you about who I really am. Wouldn’t that be so cool? I thought so too. Since nobodies bothered to interview me for anything, I thought I’d interview myself. I may or may not be high af at 9 in the morning. idk. you decide.

 

Top or Bottom?

Hmmmmm. To be completely honest with you, I would like more time to figure this out. I’m not sure how I feel about bottoming and putting my junk in other junk is kinda icky. I always think about truffle butter by Nicki when people ask me about this. It’s all kinda silly.

Why did you decide to get high so early today?

Last night I got high and then Fell asleep like at 10. I then woke up like around 6am thinking it was 6pm and started to freak! I thought I had missed my friends birthday party and almost began to cry. lol I thought I needed more weed if I was gonna stay up and not go back to sleep. So here I am.

What song are you listening to right now?

I’m actually listening to Faded by Kim Petras. I took a long thought about this song today. It’s so mind controlling and it just gets weirder when you think about how Dr.Luke created this song and this person in general. He really is turning her into a pop star. It’s also weird how some of her songs are on Disney Radio but the bitch talks about drugs and shit in like most of her songs.

“Rollin’ through the hills on drugs
Smoked out in the back of a big black truck
Poppin’ pills in love
Spending days in a haze, and it feels so good”

Are you excited to go back home for that show you’re throwing?

I’m actually scared as fuckkkkk. I hate stressing out about things. I hate when things don’t turn out as expected. I’m extremely okay with this though. I’ve done just about everything I need to do to get by. I just need to figure out some things that are kind of tricky but I got this. Just need to be in my studio to think.

What are you thinking about right now?

How weird this fucking blog post is. I can’t. I just read everything I wrote and they’re my actual thoughts. I’m not even trying. I’m just so excited to go to the beach today. I shaved my head last night. I loved my hair but idk I just got bored. I used to have a shit load of dreams about my hair and how beautiful it would look long but every time I go long periods without cutting my hair, I get hella depressed.

 

I have continued to write this on a day where I haven’t smoked. Starting now. I also refuse to read everything I wrote. I’m not ready to comprehend it. It’s pure junk lol. Just silly thoughts. I think I’m in love with the idea of falling in love again. I’ve been on Grindr every minute of the day and have yet to get a date. Bitches always flaking on me. The fuck. I’m sure they think I’m a bum but tbh I’m a really fun dude. :/ That day at the beach was so fun though. I enjoyed every minute of it. Met some new people and fell in love with someone in particular.

I’ll end it on that.

 

Why does my mind keep repeating the same thoughts over and over again? I am tired of having to switch on and off with a “healthy” lifestyle. Bitch no one said I had to go on a diet before fashion week. I did it to lose weight so people would think I’m more androgynous.

Did it work?

Idk.

All I know is that someone was skinnier than me and it made me feel 10x’s worse.

Every time I see someone from the online world I always brag about how horrible the industry is. It’s a relatable topic. It always ends with “the industry isn’t for everyone” like I already didn’t know that. I willingly signed up for this even though my mind isn’t well. I still struggle with body issues and am slowly getting rid of my depression but honey, I’ve come a long way and making it this far takes a lot of bravery.

Before castings began, I was sexually harassed while working on set with a photographer. I like to keep my personal life on the DL but this was something that really fucked me up. A week later, I was given the right platform to expose everything wrong with the industry. A chance to really throw some names around but I’m scared. I can’t even come up with the words to say. I guess you can say this is my cry for help. Don’t think about it too much though. I really am okay.

Look at me. I’m making it. I’m getting paid to model but still, no one cares enough to ask about the fall. This blog isn’t to brag about any of my accomplishments, it’s about the problems I face in the industry. It’s my way of letting people know that it’s not all that. Ask me about it.

I’ll tell you everything.

Photography by Gerardo Vizmanos

You were given the responsibility of an adult the second you turned 13. The hastiness in your body sparked a much bigger curiosity towards fashion then it did sex. I’m sure you imagined it to be a fabulous life filled with adventures but you still find yourself lost in the world of sexual pleasure. It’s easy to tell love from intimidation but the aggressive pressure put on you by someone other than your lover is just sickening. You feel like a fraud. Not only to yourself but to your family.

Learn from this tragedy. Know how to prevent this.

It will never be appropriate for someone that doesn’t know you to fuck around with you. Who the hell do you even run to in this situation? Your boyfriend? Your mom? The police? None. The thought of coming up with different explanations worry you and you’re forced to stay quiet. Just don’t lose touch. You’re living in a world of exploitation. Are you just as corrupt? You have all this information to reveal but no one to reveal it to. It’s universal. They keep their mouth shut to avoid humiliation and you do it to protect your career.

Get over yourself already.

Dear absent models,

I see you holding your head high. A little too high if you ask me. I feel you ignoring my presence. It’s not like you ever paid attention to me before. Hell, you didn’t even accept my friend request on Facebook. Must be too big for me, right? Not big enough… What ran through your head when you first read my fan mail? Did you ever think I’d get to your level of performance? We’re walking the same shows now. We’re getting the same treatment. What makes you any different from me now? Do you know how long it took me to get here? Do you know what the fuck I went through? NO, you don’t. But it’s alright because I don’t know your story either. But here’s the difference… I was willing to share mine. I was willing to open up to someone I had never met before because I felt that connection already. That feeling of despair once entering the fashion industry. I no longer care to share my secrets with you. I thought maybe the fucked up side of fashion wasn’t real but you gave me every reason to believe that models can be cruel. Humans, in general, too.  If I ever get to that side, push me the fuck out. I never want to reach that level of ignorance. Is it wrong if I welcome myself to this world? Am I allowed to pat myself on the back? This isn’t my way of bragging. This is my way of letting others know that I am here and ready to take on whatever comes my way.

– Nolan

WWD